what makes a man? Is it his actions? His job? His ability to mingle with the general public? Or simply his ability to control?


I feel it's really none of these. Perhaps with the exception of actions. A man's actions tell you who he is, but only indirectly. So maybe not that. It's how he deals with the consequences of those actions that tells me most about any person, man or woman. If one is able to notice a mistake and learn from that mistake then they are truly mature in my eyes. How someone reacts is limited by they're scope of range. A person is different in actions around certain individuals. Meaning their reactions, to certain extents, are limited to that mask. Not a true judge of self, but of the self they need to be in that specific realm. But I'm convoluting my purpose here.

I am faced again with multiple delimas. Not only am i lost, living on the good will of two good people, but now i am dragging my younger sibling along for the ride. He is in a tight transition phase of his life. One where he needs as much support and guidance as he can get. Yet here am i offering all the guidance, but seemingly no support. He lives with me now, sharing this little underground sanctuary, yet still i struggle. Am i living up to what i should be? Am i being held back by myself and my inability to grow to the adulthood i seem to desperately crave?

As i am about to embark on a grand vacation, with the return i find no solice in the journey. I find no way to imagine relaxation knowing that on return i will be placed back into a moral crisis. Though our landlords owe no responsibility to either of us, they still feel burdened. Though i myself pose none of these threats, i take to full brunt of my brother's. Though they two are small, it seems to be unimaginably upsetting the balance here. The only solution i can find is in retreating and finding a better home for the two of us.

I feel closer to my brother than ever before. Late night conversation bringing forth the perspective I've needed to justify my own past struggles and has indeed helped me to move on mentally and jump to where i need to be. I am at the moment at peace with myself and my past and have begun to dream again. for a few short days i had managed to regain my focus on what i am to do and have begun on that path. I am now willing to do what it takes to keep that focus and have found myself unwilling to break this new found bond with my brother. But by keeping that bond i subjugate my friend to inner turmoil that will lead one way or another to a lost friendship.

Now with no parental help for him to be had i am taking that role willingly. Yet can i handle the responsibility. I know if need be we could move out on our own and share a house. I can get a second job and maintain a livable space while he works his way through college. It what i want and what he needs. But how can i make it work? that's the problem of the hour. How can i plan this forward? I can't. Not right now.